In the belief/hope that narrative can formalize and clarify and insodoing clear the remnants:
The other night, Wizard and I were walking through the streets of San Francisco. It'd been a nice night; we'd seen some amazing dance and talked with amazing people. We were floating, hand in hand, and gazing at the clothing displays. I think we were surprised when a man interposed himself between us. "No respect from wheelchair," was all I could understand of his verbal communication. His body language, however, was clear: I was not going to pass.
I made several tries -- talking to him all the while. Wizard made several mild interjections. My impression and recollections are of him stuttering in shock. Deadlock. No one moved. In retrospect, it was kind of like a dance -- everyone with their arms out and no one going anywhere -- but the tension was high. He had his face next to mine; Wizard had his arm between us. Finally, the man wanted to grasp my hair; he reached; Wizard roared -- surprised the crap out of me and the man, too. We both looked at him, both taken aback. I used the opportunity to pull backwards away from him. He used the opportunity to move to my side.
Wizard told him to leave in a tone of voice that quite clearly registered firm, soft menace. He touched my hair and turned to walk away. The situation was over, Wizard and I thought -- and then, in disgust, he kicked my chair.
What was this about? Who freaking knows? Disability? My disability? Respect on the street? A black woman with a white man? Having and not having? I have no clue. I wonder if it would have been different if I had been alone. Could I have talked him down by being friendly? Would he have seen Wizard as a threat? Did Wizard escalate what would have been a not terribly unusual SF street encounter?
Was I really dependent on Wizard's strength and power as a man? Or did his masculinity make things worse? There's something weirdly funny about trying to see Wizard as some kind of "manly, bwaarrrgh, flex his muscles" man -- yeah, I know that's not what masculinity is about.... But honestly, he's a computer geek -- not the most obvious type to depend on in situations of strength and dominance. Even more funny? I have more experience fighting in these kinds of situations than Wizard: I grew up exploring how to land a punch -- this was the experience of my school days. I don't think he's has ever been in a real "fight." I also took karate as a kid -- one of the few things my mother did to help me be safe at school.
I did feel scared. The vibration of that kick and the feel of his hand did not fade immediately. I don't usually feel vulnerable and I don't think that he meant us any harm. He just wanted respect. In the worst case scenario, we could have taken him, and there were other people around. If we had yelled and screamed, I hope they would have come to our aid. And yet: I am not sure of what to do with this encounter. Over to you.
Wizard writes: WCD and I were walking down the street, talking and looking with interest at the surroundings (mainly empty commercial space); we were moving briskly to get to our room, and to sleep, as soon as possible. As WCD was tired, I alternated between pulling her hand and, when the slope of the sidewalk became too steep for comfort, pushing her. We had, without slowing down, deftly maneuvered around two or three isolated disheveled people walking slowly. I was proud of our precision movement partnership. And then we came upon another disheveled guy, coming towards us.
When we were 20 feet and a few seconds away, he moved from side-to-side so that we couldn't avoid him. As we slowed we were able to turn sharply, but he jumped in front of WCD so we had to stop. (One limitation of a chair is that it can only move along the axis it is pointed, and it takes time and energy to change the axis. In contrast, a legging person can jump 2 feet instantly in any direction.) He was verbally aggressive and way, way too close. He complained of a lack of respect. We gave our apologies, directly to his face, and asked him to excuse us on our way, but he came closer. He was uncomfortably interested in how beautiful WCD was.
I was appropriately scared, not too much to act effectively but enough to be instantly completely focused, so let's hear it for the adrenal system! The guy seemed to want to relate to WCD directly, ignoring me, so I made it clear up front that WCD and I were in this together. Respectfully but firmly, and somewhat louder each time, I kept asking to pass and squeezed between the man and WCD. But when he made to touch WCD against her wishes, things were going in the wrong direction and I addressed him directly and vigorously. He was surprised, he moved slightly away, and we went past. He kicked the back of WCD's chair as we left, and then he retreated quickly. WCD paused in anger, sighed, and seemed to want to engage the guy about that, but I pulled her onward towards the hotel.
My experience of this was quite different from WCD's. As WCD and I discussed at the hotel, I moved between her and the guy multiple times, screening her off for escape, and she didn't go. She said she didn't want to leave me alone with the guy. How could it be okay for that guy -- too dangerous to leave me with -- to touch her in such a vulnerable place as her hair? I may not fight well, but I can run faster than an out of shape guy 15 years older with bad shoes. WCD, when you have the opportunity to get away, take it -- first to defuse a situation if you are the focus of it, and second so I can run if necessary. You're fooling yourself if you think we had other options than acquiescence, verbal resistance, or running away. Don't acquiesce to things that make you more vulnerable. Don't argue with unreasonable people or try to persuade them. Respect but resist firmly. And leave before you lose the option.
I know it's hard, but I think these things can only be dissected so far; they always come as a surprise and it is rare to walk away 100% confident that you, and the people with you, did exactly the right thing.
ReplyDeleteBut if I were Wizard, I think I would have done more or less the same - same had I been a girlfriend walking beside you. The thing about human beings and violence is that nine times out of ten, people will not take on someone who looks evenly matched, let alone bigger and stronger than they are. People are much more likely to attack - or in this case, take liberties with - someone who they perceive as being much more vulnerable. Tall, strong-looking men tend to only get into "real fights" if they want to - most of the time, violence gives them a wide berth.
This is not to say that women, disabled people and people below average height and girth shouldn't leave the house unaccompanied. But when we can use someone else's perceived strength to diffuse potentially violent situation and allow our escape, we might as well. I say that having been in both positions to some extent. Gender only comes into it because of other people's perceptions.
The guy touched your hair - I wouldn't read from that that he was about to attack you, but I would read that he lacked the respect for you to be reasoned with, whatever his beef. I'd say he needed something to startle him into buggering off.
Still, sorry you went through this - what a dampener on a great evening.
I am so sorry about what happened. Wizard, I am glad you intervened as you did. WCD, I am so glad you are okay. I understand the anger and not wanting to let someone get away with such an act of violence, especially kicking your chair. I often feel upset about such situations for a long time. I don't know about this guy in particular, but I think in general when someone intervenes for us it makes it less likely that most people will do the same thing again.
ReplyDeleteI just sent my husband over to read this too since we've run into some similar situations. It is maddening, frustrating, and scary to encounter people who for whatever reason harm us, emotionally or physically.
Dang! Way to spoil a nice evening out. The ffender sounds not all there, that is dangerous. Wiz gave you an out and did the galant thing; you should accept a man (or woman's) generosity of defense. You would not leave him, you would stay near enough, uh-hem... CELL PHONE? You should carry a cell phone and 911 his arse. I agree w/Wiz, touching is NOT OK. Kicking is not cool, but expected from the small and stupid. My thought? All's well that ends well. Life in the big city. Glad you are both alright.
ReplyDeleteOoh, touching any part of me without my consent earns a guy a nice firm punch in the 'wotsits'! And my aim is pretty deadly :P.
ReplyDeleteYou'd be surprised which aspects of your nature come to the surface when you perceive a threat to yourself or someone you love. I remember one lifting a girl who was bullying me at school several inches of the ground (no violence ensued - I just looked her square in the eye and dropped her but it was enough to stop the bullying). That horrified me as it came from nowhere and never knew I was capable of such a reaction.
I'm not suggesting you shouldn't stand up for yourself to a point, but your personal safety and the safety of your loved ones is worth more than anything else in the world - 'have-a-go hero' isn't in my repertoire either! Haha.
I'm glad you both came out of it in one piece x
I agree that without understanding why he was acting as he was acting, it is hard to understand - was he angry at wheelchairs? Dunno, have almost been attacked because someone thought I was holding a bible - their friend held them back - so the space they come from may not always be one I can connect with.
ReplyDeleteI am very glad that the situation resolved itself minimally and this does not affect you wanting to go out solo.
To me, anything that restrains a female against her will is assault. If someone uses a body to force a female into a corner of the room, if they are both AB, the person is making a direct action, a deliberate action, and restricting the movement of the other person. Because they are not physically holding them down does not mean that the person can escape. I consider that assuault. A person who deliberately impedes a person in a wheelchair in a confined space (hallway, sidewalk, etc) is also deliberately enacting assault. He did, he did so repeatedly. To avoid police, I assume and deal immediately with 'get away', Wizard did a male/male dominance assertion. That the person then kicked you (To me, you deliberately kick my chair, to deliberately know I use a wheelchair for mobility and threaten the present and future of that by kicking it - well, my wheelchair is not my legs, since I still have them but it is my legs, if you know what I mean. So in the same way, if a person not getting what they want turns around and kicks your head, your arm, your kneecap is not appropriate - I don't find kicking a wheelchair deliberately ever appropriate).
As for hair touching - Pope may have mocked the scandal in the 1700's with 'The Rape of the Lock' but it is well known since then, before then, and now, that hair on a woman is not something touched without permission (kind of like breasts). To attempt to touch you without permission, and then to do so. It angers me. To touch your hair, symbol of female beauty and male desire, without permission makes me concerned, but relieved you got out. It is one thing talking to someone at a bar for 20 minutes for them to talk how beautiful your hair is, and extend their hand, as your 'let' them touch it - it is another to have men touch parts of you...because they WANT TO. That's it, wanted to, did it.
I don't have a lot of respect for the individual, and I hope that an similiar encounter does not happen again. It is easy to know when someone comes at us screaming that it is assualt, but something like this is so chipping at the edges, giving the benefit of the doubt to them it is hard to know when to stay, "That's it!", does his jumping in front signal confusion or something worse? Does his desire to touch not indicate sexual exploitation and desire or just simple amazement of beauty? So I would have been hard pressed to act agressively (since I am not sure how but females are taught this is their fault and if THEY had done something different...). A man forcibly and repeatedly pins you into immobility, he touches you without permission, after trying to touch you without permission and then kicks your means of mobility, further endangering you. I am glad Wizard acted. I probably would not have, if I was in the chair, hoping it would stop, or could be talked out.
I read this to my partner. We're glad you're both okay. I was thinking that there is not necessarily a right answer with unpredicatble people. He was saying, "He attacked her. Reasonable response is to beat the crap out of him. Who's going to care except for some f*ed up lawyer." Okay, that's what my partner said just now but when I read it to him, he did the move, "If he's down there in her face, it'd be very easy to grab his head and knee him in the face." he interjected this at the "roar" moment. I guess we all do what we can live with. I was also thinking of the ways it seemed you were each trying to protect or look out for each other. From these descriptions, I feel more concern for you, WCD, because the guy seemed to be directing his attentions at you.
ReplyDeletePS On a slightly different note, I am wondering what this or riffs on this situation would be in a dance...perhaps done with various audio descriptions/interpretations and maybe physical proximity? connection? (something experiential? sensory?) to audience (here, I am sort of merging this with your queries on blind experiences of dance, and accessibility). And wondering about different ways of accessing dance.
thanks all of you. it was scary. the wiz and i are still talking about it.
ReplyDeleteWCD
This is a wonderful post. Powerful, personal and vivid. Would you be willing to cross-post this at http://sexgenderbody.com? A lot of our readers would love to see this.
ReplyDeleteemail me, if you want me to do it, or simply register and post it.
-arvan
I am glad both of you are okay. I once had an encounter of a similar nature while waiting for a bus years ago and your story brought back the memory of that time. I was able to talk the guy out of touching me by telling him I was ill and contagious, and I was alone except for him, very scary...He backed off.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you had the generosity of defence in this situation.
Both your responses are so interesting! Thanks for posting them together. I, like you, would have tried to talk to the man and talk him down. That, actually, is a fairly powerful skill and I'm good at it. Flight is not really something I think of first. First I argue, defy, or defuse by talking. I think of flight as likely to be just as dangerous or more so, than confrontation. While I can see the Wizard's point of view it would never have occurred to me to "escape"...
ReplyDelete