Seriously, Though
When you lie in bed at night (alone or not ... I find not worse: the regular unpeturbed sleeping of a partner pisses me off) and your body does some thing, what do you do with that twitch of fear that rises? What do you do with what if? The "Oh no?" The sometimes, "please, no..." When you beg silently is that worse than if you actually say it aloud?
It's funny that as strong as I actually am and as well as I feel, the underlying insecurity about what happens next and my responses to pain are still there and, surprise, still the same. Sometimes, the hypnosis tapes, the relaxation breathing, the mind exercises, the knowledge that it has always gone away ... Just not enough. Sometimes. You know. I forget.
I forget and my strongest recollection is my fear. It's worse than a fading nightmare. Perhaps even the fear is worse than the current body event. There really is a time of day when the circadian rhythms, or whatever your physical analysis system would name it, fail. When you are most vulnerable to your ugliest monsters. When you know that the dawn is coming and that you would rather not face the light and that you can't stay where you are.
That's the time. That's the time when the absurd bargains you make with the universe seem real and yet futile. Until you realize that you made them last time and that they somehow worked.
6 comments:
"the darkest hour is just before the dawn" - I'm sure a great poet said that, but the only source I can currently think of is Mama Cass. And you can guarantee that any vaguely concerning physical sensation will be magnified tenfold by the fact you're awake but not able to get up and do something to distract yourself or talk about it. Nasty time, nasty feeling.
Thanks for talking about this sort of time, or this time out of time. I find that sometimes I need to change something, or be outside, if possible. Other times, I need to write into it (this usually makes it better, although sometimes worse if it's scary) or write out of it. Sometimes the fear wants to be dealt with head on and other times a distraction is worth it's weight in gold (or very heavy therapy, for me).
When it's distraction time--it's solitaire or a good game (ken ken?) or something that involves me enough to calm my brain, my body. Other times, when it's an unknown thing, it's a trip to the computer to do some research which often puts me into that other mind where I start to critique websites and then I can breathe again.
There is something for me so alone at times of worried thought compounded by night. And the aloneness that comes when someone is next to you but in another world, in sleep. The sense of there and not there. Just a couple of thoughts...
Came across your blog while looking for disabled taxi contact in NYC. This seems impossible and we arrive from the UK next week.
Well, I've been in a wheelchair for 11 years through Rheumatoid arthritis and I am known as the bionic woman as I have 13 replacement joints and a neck fixed in place with a metal plate and 10 screws. You appear to have a certain amount of strength, but I don't... but, equally, I don't have fear either. I have lived with the disease for 35 years and more or less take each day as it comes. And yes, I dance in my chair too!
I don't blog, but started a web site so that people can post reviews about access/inaccessibility over here. People think it's a great idea but can't be bothered to post!
But I am shocked at how little NYC caters for disabled people - the curbs can be lethal, the attitude in taxi drivers so grudging and unfriendly. And the handicapped toilets tucked into "Women's" or "Men's" can make life difficult, whereas we have mostly unisex quite separate ones which means i can get help from my husband without him being suspected of loitering!
Don't get me wrong - I love the States and look forward to my visits - where we both work and play. Work means staying in New York for a few days, and the hotels have the idea that very high beds are good for handicapped people. Well, if you can only balance on the edge and then get lifted on, they definitely are not!
Just thought you might like a response from across "The Pond" and any information re taxis would be fantastic....
Good to hear from you! The accessible taxi 311 program is in effect and it sort of works...
http://www.nyc.gov/html/tlc/html/accessible_dispatch_system/accessible_dispatch_system_main.shtml
Accessibility is always a work in progress -- though you would think they've got used to it by now. If only!
have a great vacation.
WCD
Thank you - I just might let you know how we get on this time! That is, if you are interested!
Definitely, Anon. Please use my email if you want more correspondence. That way, the comments are about the posts...
Have a great trip!
WCD
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