The Art of the Bathroom and Disability Events

I'm here for an event. A disability event. An event to which I RSVP'ed as soon as invitations went out. An event organized around disability and the arts. I would be attending in support of a powerful disability project. Then, less than six hours before it is due to begin, I get a phone call explaining that "x and y want to be perfectly clear with me that if I am to attend, the bathroom is inaccessible." The voice goes on to explain that she is being "very clear with me. People will help me if I want it," but I need to know that the building is totally accessible but the bathroom is not. She starts to say that I should let her know. Then, she changes her mind; I don't have to tell her whether or not I am coming.

The phone calls begin. Everyone wants me to know that they are really sorry. That they never would have chosen this as a location if they'd known. That there are strong men on hand who will help. No one wanted to exclude me.

1. This is at an event organized for a disability project.
   
2. This is at an event where a good number of organizers (and attendees) know me.
3. This is at an event where I have been in independent email correspondence with the hosts -- and mentioned in particular another event that I had hoped to attend (that they attended) but which was inaccessible -- weeks ago.
4. THIS IS AN EVENT ORGANIZED FOR A DISABILITY SPECIFIC PROJECT.

No one checked the bathroom.

I feel like the voice who called me is making it my problem. She's embarrassed (as well she should be), but in her perfect clarity, she made it my problem. If I choose to come, I should know. And be prepared. And truly, she didn't mean it that way, but I don't think she handled the call well. Yes, I know; she had to call a stranger and say that the bathroom was inaccessible. She didn't understand what that would mean to me personally.

I feel really unwanted. (Yes, I know it's not personal). And also really bad, awkward, and out of place. If I go, people are going to be weird about it. If I don't go, people are going to think *I* am being weird about it.

It's an event at which food and drink will be served. If I had known days instead of hours before, I would have planned around it. You know. Taken one for principle and played one for team! I would have had fun at the party! But I've been drinking with abandon today, to make up for yesterday's long flight and day with basically nothing to drink. Add to that a post-surgery body; response and reflex time is a little different. I feel scared to go and not yet be able to trust my body. I feel really vulnerable to this new body and uncertain about its limits. And I feel really shy, awkward, and unwelcome. It's this last feeling combined with a certain feeling of cavalierness that's preventing me from putting on a pad and just going. The inaccessibility, the flight, the body, the drinking.... those I have no choice about. But I could just put on a pad and go. Except that I'm not going to; I'm going to use the time, as I had originally planned, to rest, nap, and recover.

So, yes. Or no. Anyway. I am not going.

I am not not going because they didn't plan; though in principle this should probably be my primary reasoning. These are mostly people I know, though; I want to be there to support them and their work. No. I am not going because I can't trust my body not to need to go for the time it would take to get there, be at the event, and get to a bathroom not at that event. I am not going because I am embarrassed to be there - incorrectly or not, it's how I feel. And it outweighs my desire to support the project. My closer friends will, I hope, understand.