It's Official: Panic

So, all things considered, it was unlikely that tech was going to go well, but this I hadn't considered. Headpiece requires standing in precise places on the stage, in precise relationship with and to each other. It's a quartet for women, the success of which depends on us making small clear movements with clarity and precision. It travels well: small floor spaces, hard floors, unsuitable floors. We've done it in a number of places, but today's experience has to have been the worst.

The stage slopes, down, way down, away from the audience (upstage). Now, we've worked on uneven stages before, and I have managed to compensate for the odd bump/slope by holding the wheels at appropriate moments. BUT this is a nightmare. The slope is so aggressive that not one part of the dance can be done without my chair rolling away down the stage. We tried it with me trying to push discreetly in an attempt to correct the alignment. This didn't work. One small adjustment here and there is one thing. Frantic pushes are another. Plus it all looks wrong.

The best solution is to deflate the tires of my street chair, put the brakes on, and work from there, figuring out when to take them off. And for the part of the dance -- a FULL 6-7 minutes -- where I won't be able to sneak in putting on the brakes, I will have to learn to do it differently.

These are not the small adjustments that every dancer makes for every performance and every stage. This is a nightmare.

The chair change is wild. My street chair is (slightly) more tippy: must remember not to take that arch backwards so far. The height of the back is different, the shape of the back is different, so the support is less than I would need for dancing. There's more dump. The center of gravity is different. My placement is different. The angle at which my legs stick out is different. The angle of the foot rest is different. The cushion is different.

In addition to the chair change, I also have to fight body memory. Where my hands used to go my lap or fall to my side, they now must stay focused on the wheels. I will have to introduce a couple of quick brake changes. And, worse yet, the physicality of the chair means that my body alignment is off. I am not supported in places I used to be. My back is not held in places it used to be, so when I go to find a particular line/shape/position, it is not where it used to be, either.

I have less than 21 hours to sleep, eat, tech, teach a workshop, and figure this out. I'm scared. Very scared.

I'm afraid I will hurt myself. I'm afraid I might make a fool of myself, that I will let West Coast down. I'm also worried that it will somehow be painful to do this.

I'm also angry at myself. I can't believe this is SUCH a big deal. I mean, I know both chairs. I live in one and dance in the other. I switch between them all the time. Why is this such a BFD? Has something happened that I haven't noticed that makes me weaker? Less flexible, less strong than I had been seeing myself?

All I am doing is changing chairs. Admittedly, this makes a new dance. But all I am doing is changing chairs. Shouldn't my body be able just to cope so that I can get on with the difficulty of fighting muscle memory?

I could cry.