Who's Watching You?

Deep breath. Controlled release.

I have been silent on the topic of one of the biggest silences in my visits to South Dakota: the tricky subject of white/Native American relations. In some ways, I am not really qualified to speak on the topic; I am not Native American, American, white, a resident of South Dakota etc. I am a tourist, a visitor to this foreign land. I don't know its history fully, and what I do know, I am not sure about. But race and, in particular, the racial history associated with the land and the settling of South Dakota always feel to me like a large white elephant; even when I am visibly the only non-white person present in the room, that history looms silent and large.

I don't really know how race works in South Dakota. Wizard's parents live in a mainly white part ( I wasn't kidding about the importance of the Norwegian, German, Swedish thing - they don't know many Italian, Irish, or Eastern European immigrants -- and the history of US immigration is interesting in that all these latter categories of people were cast as "black" when they first began to immigrate in large numbers). About an hour and a half's drive away is the Rosebud reservation. I don't know anything about this, either. Native American culture/life is often positively represented in their farming community as something present to be engaged with -- art and crafts, for example -- or, negatively, as something to give charity to. Native Americans, nonetheless, are all too frequently seen as poorer, worse off in so many ways than the rest of the citizens (sigh -- in some places, I suppose, it's true, but surely not everywhere??! ). Not all Native Americans live on the reservation -- some live in Wizard's parents' town, and some of the locals also have Native American ancestry. That's mostly not visible to me, however; though we did, uncomfortably, once visit the buffalo of a non-reservation, Native American farmer (I feel so bad about this).

I hope the demographics and thus the culture will change as migrant workers from Central and Southern America move north and settle in the MidWest. There are already a couple of Mexican restaurants in both the towns that are 60 miles from Wizard's childhood home (they both have the same name, so I think they might be connected businesses). They both offer terrible, terrible food. I know; I have enjoyed Tex-Mex, MexiCali, and Interior Mexican food, but it is not until one has tried the "veggie burrito de la olestra" (yup, thanks PG) that one has really sunk beyond gourmet. Both towns also sport a couple of Chinese restaurants.

All this means that my experience as a non-white person can be pretty damn hilarious. I am not sure whether people stop to recognize or are even able to see who or what I am; I am merely a brown face, and, well, they've heard about brown faces. I remember once when I needed wrist braces, I persuaded Wizard to stop in the nearest Wal Mart. I grabbed 2 small carpal tunnel supports, got in line, and then tried to pay with my clearly non local bank credit card. No go. At least not without more than one form of ID. For real. I mean, I steal a credit card and choose to go shopping with it. It's a bit of a downer that I have to shop at WalMart instead of hitting an upscale New Yorky boutiquey store, but, nonetheless, here I am, in line, with my .... wrist braces. If you stole a credit card, wouldn't you buy something a little more luxurious? Wizard, who eventually made the purchase for me with a card issued by the same bank, did not have to show ID.

When we go to the local diner; I am the only visibly non-white face. The same is true for their church, the post office, the arts center, the grocery store. This singularity is only occasionally true in my real life, now, but it used to be true for quite a lot of my childhood. I am used to dealing with it, but somehow, I feel more alone in South Dakota. I don't know whether I should intervene in a conversation that has what I see as racist elements. I don't know what the rules of engagement are in this new place. The world is different here -- people still react when I openly contradict Wizard in a public, social setting; I am not sure which of their social conventions I have offended. So, when race comes up, I feel unsure about what to do and what I should say.

I am writing this post as a commitment to myself to be more courageous.

Deep breath. Controlled release.